you deserve it

Uh, lately I haven't felt like I deserve a whole lot of anything.  And I really feel bad "complaining" about what we are going through because I know there are millions of people in the world who would gladly change places with me.  But for us, what we are going through is a really tough stage and time for me.  I pray this is the toughest we will ever know...I'm sure it won't be...and I'm also prayerful that one day I will look back and think how ridiculous this all was.  But right now, I cry more days than I would prefer and nothing about this feels ridiculous.

I feel we are just in the middle of one hell of an uphill climb and I'm not even sure what we are climbing.  Sensory issues is so broad and so new to me...I still don't understand exactly what The Mayor is going through.  It is just so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting for all of us.  I struggle because I want to fix everything.  Now.  And it hurts to not understand why your son just can't calm down.  And to attempt to get him to calm down but not clearly understanding that he can not control his rambunctious behavior.  That his body needs that stimulation to satisfy a sensory craving I will never understand.  That he physically can't control some of the things his body does and overly controls the few things he feels he can.  That talking to him about his behavior is almost falling on deaf ears because he doesn't have the capability of putting what is being said into a comprehensive way for his mind to digest and understand.  His response is always "ok".  But when you ask him "why" we need to do something or "how" we need to do something, he literally just looks at you with confusion.  It hurts to see your son have the words but not the ability to put those words together in an explanation.

I hate I am so quick to anger.  I wish patience had been one of the gifts I was blessed with.  And I do NOT pray for patience because I truly believe when you pray for patience, you are not given patience but given situations and opportunities to practice patience.  And right now, I don't want any other situations thrown at me to allow me to grow my patience...I am up to my eyeballs in all the situations I can handle.  I feel like I am constantly failing The Mayor over and over because he doesn't understand and then I get to my wits end.  And when I come to him and apologize (which I do...frequently) he doesn't understand.  He ends up saying "I'm sorry" to me. *tear*

So...this morning after I got home from my dentist appointment, I noticed a box from Amazon.com on the counter.  It was addressed to me.  I didn't remember ordering anything...but I do love some online shopping so it wouldn't have surprised me in the least to have ordered something and forgotten.  I opened it and inside was another sealed box with Kindle Fire written on the side.  I asked D, "did you buy me a kindle??!!" He looked at me like I had two heads and then I noticed the packing slip.  It had Mamie's name on it with my shipping address.  I have seen Mamie's amazon account...she has about 15 different shipping addresses (my siblings, family members, etc).  I immediately thought she bought a kindle and picked the wrong shipping address.  She can be such a blond!  I told D I needed to call her and then I opened the packing slip.  At the top was this note:

Then the water works started.  I cried during my call to Mamie and hoped she understood the blubbering words I left on her voicemail and then I called PopPop and he made me feel so much better about our situation.  I felt so loved, although undeserving of such a wonderful gift.  They said I deserved to have it and to use it to escape and enjoy some downtime.  And the best part was when PopPop said they want to start taking The Mayor on a regular basis for overnights.  It would give me some one-on-one time with Love Bug but it will also be really great for The Mayor.  The one thing I am absolutely certain of is The Mayor is a people pleaser.  He loves to make people happy and he loves to get positive attention and affirmation (which we are constantly trying to delve out over here) but can you think of anything better to boast a little 4 year old's esteem then being the only grandkid at Mamie and PopPop's?  I can't.  

At the age of 35, especially when you are a parent, you stop thinking of yourself as someone else's kid.  I think of myself as The Mayor and Love Bug's mom.  But I am still Mamie and PopPop's kid.  Thank you to Mamie and PopPop for still worrying about and caring for their daughter.  I guess a parent never stops wanting to help their kids.  And thank you to all of our family and friends who are praying for us and boosting us up with kind words of support during this storm we are weathering.  

isn't she pretty?  I didn't want to take the cellophane off...don't worry...I did...and have already purchased and started reading a book